Listen up, you heathens: the end of the world is upon us. This calls for something more than re-runs of America’s Best Dance Crew and a bag of stale chili cheese Fritos (you know who you are). It may even warrant skipping an episode of (what!?!) Jersey Shore, because this sort of thing doesn’t happen just everyday, you know. After all, Harold Camping, the oracle of all things that are generally incorrect, says that on May 21, 2011, “this world will be a horror story beyond anything we can imagine.”
And when I hear something like that, I immediately think: I’m gonna need a really stiff drink. Of course.
First, you need ginger syrup. Put one cup of sugar in a saucepan. Add one cup water. Thinly slice a 1.5-inch piece of ginger (peel it or not — it’s the end of the world, after all) and pitch that in the pan. Boil. Remove from the heat and let it sit for an hour. Strain.
Meanwhile, get saved. (You just need to accept Jesus as your savior — shouldn’t take more than a few seconds)
Grab a handful of Thai basil leaves (apparently Yoga is Satanic, so I figured Thai is safe) and put them in that cocktail shaker you hide whenever the Seventh Day Adventists beat on your door.
Here’s where it gets a little complicated, because Camping’s view of the end of the world is rooted in numerology.
You need 2 ounces of 64-proof Lemoncello (4 is the farthest extent in time or in distance that God spiritually has in view, and 3 is God’s purpose and 4 raised to the 3rd is 64, which is IRREFUTABLE proof that you need Lemoncello no matter how nasty it is, and the 2 ounces is from my meditation and research).
Pour the Lemoncello in the shaker along with 1 once of Mephisto Absinthe, which is 65% alcohol, which is 130 proof, which is 13: “the end of the world, the details of which began exactly 13,000 years after creation” times 10 “the completeness of whatever is in view.” So, yeah, we have got to have some of THAT.
Add two ounces of Tito’s vodka, which is 80% alcohol, which is “Those who have been commissioned to bring the Gospel” (2) times “testing you” (40).
Add two ounces of your ginger syrup. And 1.5 ounces of lemon juice for the bitterness of those you’ll leave behind and the fear of the yokels you’ll encounter in heaven. Add ice and shake. Strain into a chilled martini glass.
Fill two shot glasses with Mezcal. Add red food coloring to one and black to the other. Drink all of it and go to heaven.
Even if the world doesn’t end, you’ll wish it had.